Quotes

"Fallor, ergo sum."

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." - W. Somerset Maugham, from The Creative Impulse

Also:

• Advice
• Murphy's law and corallaries
• Stories
• Accident reports
• Politicians Say the Darndest Things...
• Engineers and Ingenuity
• Famous Quotes from American History
• Typos and Misquotes
• How to be wrong in a big way...
• Real Life Dilberts
• De fun itions
• You know...
• Coffee
• Disclaimers
• Signs
• Success and Failure
• Truth and Meaning
• The wisdom of the ages (aka punny Q&A)+
• Things we have learned from our kids +
• Women vs Men +
• Men vs Women +

Brandyn Webb's third Grandfather (http://www.sifter.org/~brandyn/)

"the brighter you are, the darker the world appears."

Noel Coward

"It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit."

Henry Louis Mencken

"The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who Is able to think things out for himself, without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost invariably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable, and so, if he is romantic, he tries to change it. And if he is not romantic personally, he is apt to spread discontent among those who are."

Mark Twain

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. "

Nathaniel Lee on being consigned to a mental institution, circa 17th c.

"They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me."

Thomas Szasz

"...the neurotic has problems, the psychotic has solutions."

John Stuart Mill, _On Liberty_

"The liberty of the individual must be thus far limited; he must not make a nuisance of himself to other people." -

Richard Stallman

"...People find ways of getting money by impeding society. Once they can impede society, they can be paid to leave people alone. "

Hillel (?):

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

If I am only for myself, what am I?

If not now, when?

Alexis de Tocqueville

" What is the most important for democracy is not that great fortunes should not exist, but that great fortunes should not remain in the same hands."

Italo Calvino

"The satirist is prevented by repulsion from gaining a better knowledge of the world he is attracted to, yet he is forced by attraction to concern himself with the world that repels him."

Arnold Edinborough

"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."

Chistopher Morley, "The Haunted Bookshop"

"Printer's ink has been running a race against gunpowder these many, many years. Ink is handicapped, in a way, because you can blow up a man with gunpowder in half a second, while it may take twenty years to blow him up with a book. But the gunpowder destroys itself along with its victim, while a book can keep on exploding for centuries."

Doctor Who, Face of Evil

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering."

William James

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."

Edward Abbey

"Sentiment without action is the anathema of the soul" --

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.+

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the vitriolic words and the violent actions of the bad people, but the appalling silence and indifference of the good people. Our generation will have to repent not only for the words and acts of the children of darkness, but also for the fears and apathy of the children of light."

???

"The purpose of a corporation is to make a profit. Period. All stop."

Dick Cavett

"As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it."

B. C. Forbes

"Any business arrangement that is not {believed to be} profitable to the other person will in the end prove unprofitable for you. The bargain that yields mutual satisfaction is the only one that is apt to be repeated."

Samuel Gompers, said in 1908

"The worst crime against working people is a company which fails to operate at a profit."

Paul Brooks, The Pursuit of Wilderness (1971)

"We shall never understand the natural environment until we see it as a living organism. Land can be healthy or sick, fertile or barren, rich or poor, lovingly nurtured or bled white. Our present attitudes and laws governing the ownership and use of land represent an abuse of the concept of private property.... Today you can murder land for private profit. You can leave the corpse for all to see and nobody calls the cops."

Spencer Ante

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."

Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983), "The True Believer", 1951

"The poor on the borderline of starvation live purposeful lives. To be engaged in a desperate struggle for food and shelter is to be wholly free from a sense of futility."

"You dehumanize a man as much by returning him to nature - by making him one with rocks, vegetation, and animals - as by turning him into a machine. Both the natural and the mechanical are the opposite of that which is uniquely human. Nature is a self-made machine, more perfectly automated than any automated machine. To create something in the image of nature is to create a machine, and it was by learning the inner working of nature that man became a builder of machines. It is also obvious that when man domesticated animals and plants he acquired self-made machines for the production of food, power, and beauty."

When you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both, it's health. If everything is simply jake, then you're frightened of death. --J. P. Donleavy

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist. --Dom Helder Camara

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted. --George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Saint Bartholomew

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that we cannot bear the pain. But we have already borne the pain. What we have not done is feel all we are beyond the pain.”

James Madison, April 20, 1795

"Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes. And armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended. Its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force of the people. The same malignant aspect in republicanism may be traced in the inequality of fortunes, and the opportunities of fraud, growing out of a state of war...and in the degeneracy of manners and morals, engendered by both.

No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare." +

Gen. Smedley

"War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small 'inside' group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes."

???

"War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left."
 
"The difference between a revolution and a revolt is decided by those who are left to write the history books."

Count Oxenstierna (ca 1620) to the young King Gustavus Adolphus

"Dost thou not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?"

George Orwel

"People sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."

Winston Churchill

"...democracy is a terrible form of government, but eight times better than any other."

James M. Newton

"Democracy is the only form of government. All the others are a democracy where the people have decided to let someone else to take the responsibility."

Bertrand de Jouvenel

"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves."

James M. Newton says:

"Freedom is pursuing your carrot, not running from somebody's stick Does society make you enthusiastic, or fearful? The mob rules only what its members achieve."

Jim Newton (James Newtons father)

"Sincerity is the key; once you can fake that, you've got it made!"

Gandhi

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."

John Barrow

"If a `religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains unprovable statements, then Godel taught us that mathematics is not only a religion, it is the only religion that can prove itself to be one."

Sir Richard Francis Burton

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself."

From "House": "If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people"

Ashleigh Brilliant

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. --"

Michael J. Fromberger

"Get your mind out of the gutter---you're blocking my periscope!"

Linus Torvalds

"Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had."

"Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it."

Clark.

"Any technology, sufficiently advanced, is indistinguishable from magic"

Asimov

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo"

Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly goes wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."

Bruce Hawick

Get all the techs with vibrating pagers in the conference room, prop one end of the table up, place the pagers on the elevated end, and have everyone call themselves at the same time. Voila - Pager races! --

Doug Gwyn (22/Jun/91 in comp.unix.wizards)

"GUIs normally make it simple to accomplish simple actions and impossible to accomplish complex actions."

Jonathan H N Chin

"UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully."

Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who its friends are.

Mark Twain

"Get the facts first, you can distort them later"

"It is far better to remain silent and appear a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"

"The problem with people who have no vices is that you can be sure they're going to have some damned annoying virtues. Few things are harder to put up with, than the annoyance of a good example. "

Eleanor Roosevelt

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

The Dalai Lama said, "The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open."

Lazarus Long

"You live and learn. Or you don't live long"

"You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once"

"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark"

"Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage."

"Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things."

Anthony DeBoer

"You'd have difficulty screwing in a lamp too. Try doing it in a bed instead."

Anonymous "For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." Virginia Wolf

• It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.
• A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
• The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.
• "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick, "How to Build a Universe"
• My reality check just bounced.
• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
• "A picture is worth a thousand words, but takes the same disk space as a million words..."
• Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line.
• Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton.
• One boob = 963,000 FCC complaints.
• The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• Did you stop to think, and forget to start again?
• The proctologist called ...they found your head.
• Two things you don't want to see made -- sausage and laws - Otto Von Bismarck?
• If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
• Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
• Earth first ... we'll mine the other planets later.
• The best sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe, is that none of it has tried to contact us
• Boldly Going Nowhere.
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
• People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
• Nuke the unborn gay middle eastern whales for Jesus.
• The Idiots Guide to the Zen of Dummies in a Nutshell in Seven Days, Unleashed
• Support prayers in public schools: Give harder tests
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
• "Smile" said the Lord, "things could be worse" so I did, and they were ;-(
• I'm a dyslexic atheist: There is no DOG.
• I'm a frisbitarian: I believe that when you die, your spirit floats up onto a roof and stays there.
• I'm a diagnostic: I question the existence of TWO gods.
• Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra! :)
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
• A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
• I live in my own little world. But it's ok...they know me here.
• OK, I'm weird, but I'm saving up to be eccentric.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
• I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
• Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
• Nudists shouldn't forget to clothes the door.
• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
• So you're a feminist ... Isn't that cute!
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
• Illiterate? Write For Help.
• Dyslexics have more fnu.
• Clones are people, two.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• Eschew obfuscation.
• 186,000 miles/sec (300,000km/sec, 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight): Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Editing is a rewording activity.
• Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
• IN CASE OF RIOT, BREAK GLASS
• We're not surrounded, we're in a target-rich environment!
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• 90% of all statistics are made up
• No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
• Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
• Life is a terminal disease and death is the only cure.
• Boredom can be terminal: The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
• You should not meddle in the affairs of dragons; for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
• What we say about others says more about us than about them.

CHINESE PROVERBS (with apologies to all of Asian decent) (warning: some are crude)

• Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
• Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Bumper stickers for women

• SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
• GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
• COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
• DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
• I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
• WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
• OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
• DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
• ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
• I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.
• HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
• DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
• IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
• GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
  Before He Admits He is Lost?

George Carlin still is alive and cool! Remember these?

• 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
• 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• 11. Is there another word for synonym?
• 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
• 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• 23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• 24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
• 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• 26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• 27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• 28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• 29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
• 30. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
• 31. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• 32. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• 33. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
• 34. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids?
• 35. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• 36. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• 37. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
• 38. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Dolly Parton

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not  dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."

Erica Jong

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy."

Wendy Liebman

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

Lizz Winstead

"I think - therefore I'm single."

Hedy Lamarr

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."

Elayne Boosler

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."

Margaret Thatcher

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."

Gloria Steinem

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."

Katharine Hepburn

"Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then."

Linda Ellerbee

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

See also:

• http://theory.stanford.edu/people/pratt/home.html "My mind and my body keep playing tricks on each other. When I tell them to cut it out, they just say "Who are you?" "
• http://www.moosewoodrestaurant.com/collective.html "...We've had to work at developing diplomatic ways to express ourselves so that interpersonal disagreements don't turn into a test of skill and endurance...."
  +
• http://www.gamblingmagazine.com/articles/47/47-46.htm +
• http://www.terindell.com/asylum/docs/sig-fortunes.html
• http://www.humorspace.com/humor/taglines/uheinl.htm
• http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=3065

James Newton Says:

The internet makes storing and forwarding all different types of information very easy and business that expect to make money have to do something that doesn't depend on the information part of their product remaining under wraps. They need to focus on doing good things with physical objects and new development and niche markets and other goods and services that aren't going to get replaced by the net. Many dot.coms have failed to account for the importance of and the lack of ability of the internet to deal with physical items. The internet is for information not physical objects. Seems simple, but a lot of people are missing that point.
 
eCommerce: It's the reason for the season

Roman Black says:

Some minds plod, in a very average fashion. Pure brilliance involves large swings between stupid ideas and incredible ideas. And you can filter out the stupid ideas...

James Newton Says:

Mirrors, like guns, are not cruel... people who improperly use mirrors are cruel. You don't really see yourself until you look from the inside out... feel your heart beat, concentrate until you can feel each arm and leg from the bone out through the muscle and fat to the inner layers of the skin. What feels ugly in there? Go fix that first. Eat better food, drink more water, go for walks, see your doctor, dentist, nutritional advisor, join a hiking group. Then start on the mind and liposuction all the bad thoughts and hurtful memories. Go to AA meetings, get in therapy, make better friends. THEN worry about what the outside looks like. These instructions should be part of a course required before purchase of a mirror. Like a gun safety class or a drivers license.

Benjamin Disraeli "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

General Patton said "If everybody is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking" +

Archive:

• PICList post "Something on the lighter side" +

"Pigmæi gigantum humeris impositi plusquam ipsi gigantes vident" (Pigmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves).--Didacus Stella

Cogito, ergo spud
I think, therefore I Yam

Veni, Vidu, Velcro
I came, I saw, I stuck...

To do is to be [Descartes].

To be is to do [Voltaire].

Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].

"When we like something, it is because we recognize it. It's funny, but to like is to recognize."

To really understand what it means to kill a man in combat you can not just bomb him or shoot him or whatever... you need to sneak up on him in the dark and slit his throat with your knife and feel the blood running over your hands. - a WWII Veteran. +

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a life time

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Which reminds me, Why do you always invite more than one Babtist to go fishing with you? Because if you invite one, he will drink all your beer. If you invite more, they won't drink any.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

+

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren"t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What"s a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It"s just stale bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets it"s picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn"t 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn"t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they"re cramming for their final exam.
+

Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig ?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
+

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. +

Questions:

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

A day without sunshine is like, night +

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. +

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism +

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. +

Ask me about my vow of silence. +

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? +

I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I... +

The brave may not live forever, but the cautious no not live at all. +

Depression is anger without enthusiasm. Don't get me excited.
+

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
+

Eugenics: The belief that the problem with the gene pool is the lack of a lifeguard.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

I choose to follow and therefore, I lead. +

Having resentment is like taking poison and hopeing the other guy dies.

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